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It’s time for you both to realize that this lifetime is short.
It’s time for you both to stop WASTING that lifetime and start being HONEST with yourself and with each other.
Because as soon as you both get honest, you both know where YOU stand, and you both know where THEY stand.
And then you can each make a decision about whether you want to carry on standing next to the other.
It’s THAT simple.
If anyone tells you otherwise, they’re over-complicating the situation.
To reiterate: this lifetime is short – be honest with each other, and if where you stand is untenable to where they stand, stop wasting precious time and move on.
A pre-text to a conscious conversation is a conscious couple’s acceptance that each person is a victim of their upbringing by their parents.
What I mean by that is, if you behave a certain way, it’ll be the result of a dynamic you had with one or other of your parents.
And the way THEY behaved will be a result of a dynamic THEY had with one or other of THEIR parents.
Example:
John’s mother may have been ignored as a child by her own mother. As a result, John’s mother may have over-compensated for her own lack by smothering John in too much love and attention when he was a child.
As a result, John may regularly need his own space. Or maybe he doesn’t respond well to TOO much affection from a partner.
If John’s own partner craves love and attention, this may well create conflict in the relationship since John’s need for space may be cramped.
Nobody (John, his parents, their parents and so on) is to blame for any of this, but NOW is the time to make a conscious decision to become AWARE of why you are how you are…and to step OUT of the victim cycle.
The footing upon which this conscious decision should be made is compassion and understanding.
Understand that your partner is a victim of their parents’ behaviours, and cultivate compassion for the way they are.
Let’s use an example to help provide some useful context.
Awakened Amy & Conscious Ken
Amy & Ken are both high-flying bankers in their late thirties who married 10 years ago. They love their jobs, live in a beautiful home, and have 2 well-adjusting kids under 10 who are looked after by a nanny whilst they are both at work. From the outside looking in, most folks would say they’re living a blessed existence.
But Amy is unhappy.
Ken’s metabolism has slowed, he’s put on some weight, and he’s lost interest in the bedroom.
Amy, on the other hand has experienced an uptick in here libido in her thirties and she’s being hit on by a male colleague at work. Temptation looms large.
What does the conscious couple do?
A truly conscious couple would, since their relationship began, have been having weekly debriefs about where they’re at with each other – and they would have addressed the issue above when Ken STARTED to lose interest in the bedroom.
But let’s say this pair is only JUST starting to embrace an awakened relationship.
If they were belatedly to sit down NOW and be transparent with each other, a conscious conversation might go something like this:
Awakened Amy: “You’ve lost interest in the bedroom and my libido’s on fire right now. I NEED a release and unless you can provide it, I need to find it elsewhere!”
Conscious Ken: “I’m sorry but for whatever reason, I’m just not feeling it at the moment. But you know what? I miss my sex drive – I’m going to start taking some supplements to try to regain it.
How about we agree to give it a month – if I’m still not feeling it by the end of the month, then so long as we agree that we love each other and want to remain together for the kids, I’m happy for you to play with someone else. There are some boundaries though, and these are you practice safe sex, you DON’T tell me the details…etc etc”
And the conversation moves in an adult, informed, open direction where nobody blames the other for how they’re feeling. There’s no right and wrong; there’s no blame; everyone’s stand is known and accepted. There is no judgment, and certainly no drama.
Does this sound scary to you?
It shouldn’t.
So long as both parties are honest, both parties know where the other one stands, and both can make a decision on whether they want to carry on standing next to them.
It may be that, in the example above, Conscious Ken DOESN’T want to try to improve his libido, and isn’t happy about Amy sleeping with other people.
In that instance, Amy needs to make a decision on whether that stand is tenable with her own wants and needs.
Maybe she decides that her unhappiness with the current situation is so great as to be unbearable.
Or maybe she decides that that she’s prepared to forego that happiness for the sake of the stability of her children’s lives.
Either way, she can make a conscious, informed decision based on an open conversation with her husband, on what to do next.
Conscious Ken may be unhappy if she decides to leave, but he can’t blame her for wanting to – she’s just being honest about where she’s at – his position is untenable with hers.
Does this sound fair to you?
What would you suggest this couple do if you were in one of their shoes?
Comments below please - thanks
Jeremy | Founder | Dalliance
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It is possible to trust someone again after they cheat, but it will likely take time and effort.
Trust is an essential component of any healthy relationship, and when it is broken, it can be difficult to rebuild.
